Marry Val
TLDR
Seeking 1. tough, 2. bright, 3. naturally kind, 4. physical and 5. unusual man to create a home and family life (bio kids) with. I am also all 5 of these things. Not seeking an “opposites attract” scenario. 34-45 preferred but always flexible for a great match. Please refer via button below.
That’s right, I said marry. I’m not looking to date around and figure out what’s right for me at the ripe age of 40. I know what I like and what hasn’t worked in the past (although of course I’m always open to being surprised). I’m looking for a man in the same (settling down) life stage who is ready to act decisively and live bigly (yes of course I know that’s not a real word).
What works for/is attractive to me is likely not what works for/is attractive to most other people. That’s ok; I’m trying to matchmake myself—not play World Yenta™ over here. I am fully (and often painfully) aware that I am an unusual beast and it only makes sense that a reasonable match for me is another unusual beast, and we are hard to find because we’re probably sitting at home alone, thinking about how best to find each other. What a sexless mess.
About me:
Personality/Temperament
• Enneagram 8 - The Challenger > seeking similar brute force
• Explorer-Director (Helen Fisher) > seeking similar
• Otrovert (just learned about this one; explains a lot) > seeking similar
• Things I learned from a matchmaker about myself:
- High in dominance and make decisions easily
- Fully differentiated from my family and do not require their input/approval for decision making
- Do not require social approval (see otrovert, lol)
> seeking same
I hold a lot of opposites (strong, disciplined, organized and love systems but also extremely playful, irreverent, curious, creative, nurturing) and am looking for a partner who has a similar amount of range and flexibility, plus pulls equal weight in the ferocity and leadership departments. I am a physical person and am seeking a similarly physical and vital partner. I do not tend to get along with men who live in their minds or who have a low tolerance for risk. I am here to live a big life and would love the privilege of doing that with a well-matched partner.
(My and hopefully your) Values
• Honesty/directness/irreverence
• Humor/fun/putting yourself out there/social and professional risk
• Health consciousness (action-based, weight training) without neuroses (perfectionism, body obsession)
• Connection to nature and animals
• Physicality and connection to your body, vitality
• Moderation in all things
• Curiosity/exploration/growth/self improvement & learning/
self awareness/accountability
• Money as freedom—not status
> similar values desired in a partner
• Openness and self-disclosure
(My) Hobbies
• Gardening (flower, vegetable, perennial) and composting
• Barton Springs
• The gym (weight training)
• Writing
• Being outside (walking, hiking, sitting outside, soccer, frisbee, snowboarding, etc.)
• Laughing about the insanity of life
• Hosting/gathering people together
> some overlap desired in a partner
Qualities I am seeking in a man (I definitely stole 5 of these from a book or podcast but can’t remember which so can’t credit)
• Character (sparkling)
• Kindness (innate and unprompted)
• Communication (skillful)
• Consistency (self explanatory)
• Commitment (marriage, kids)
• Confidence (quiet)
• Courage (ample)
• Processing speed (fast)
• Strength and physicality (yes)
• Playfulness (natural)
Qualities that chafe me in men
• Doesn’t understand/share my sense of humor (which is dry, smart but also dumb, often filthy)
• Overly cerebral/nerdy/specialistic
• Controlling, either subtly or overtly, and/or uptight, perfectionistic
• Low risk tolerance, makes decisions from a fear/safety baseline, lacks urgency about living life, not action-oriented
• Low self confidence
• Indirect communicator
• Extrinsically motivated
• Mood disorders (particularly depressive, unstable temperament, low vitality)
• Emotionally unregulated and/or immature
• Religious (I am very secular, in case that’s not 1000% obvious)
What I think the purpose of relationships is (we should be aligned on this)
I do not believe relationships are easy and that this is by design: the work is the point. It is only through relationships that you are able to evolve into your best and strongest self. A capable and effective partner reflects back to you the things you need to work on and where/how you need to grow. If you’re not ready to accept that type of accountability without becoming defensive and cannot rise to the challenges it presents, our understanding of our responsibility in intimate relationships is not the same and we shouldn’t be involved with each other. The point of being in a relationship is to serve each other; if you want to be served, to take without giving (or to always give less because it’s safer), to be admired without acting admirably or to be respected without earning the respect you desire, please stay (far) away from me.
That’s it. I’m confident you’ll know from the above if there’s a possible match or if I’ll make the man you were thinking of referring want to cry and run away (not ideal).
I haven’t written about the physical attraction/preferences because I can take care of that compatibility aspect myself. What I’m looking for help with here is the character/substance piece. It would take a lot off my plate to know that someone is somewhat pre-vetted based on the above. Support the arts; support my household composting dreams; make a romantic referral (or just share this link with someone in your circle; see more below).
If you are interested in referring an exceptional man my way, please use the button below. If you yourself are interested in meeting me (based on the above), I greatly prefer that you have a trusted friend reach out on your behalf via the form/button below, but you can also refer yourself if you insist.
HOW TO MAKE A ROMANTIC REFERRAL
Simply click this button and fill out the short form:
Thank you for your assistance with this exciting and delicious matter.
ANOTHER WAY TO HELP
I get it, you can’t think of anyone to refer at this time.
That’s fine, but if I let you off the hook with that I’ll probably get married when I’m 300, which is not what I’m going for. Instead, please share this link/page/whatever it’s called with one interesting and trusted friend. Just one! It’s so easy, please do it. People know other people, and the sooner we can get me off the market the sooner I can stop writing these posts and roping you into my romance schemes.
Here’s some sample text. Use as is or make it your own:
Hi (name of your friend), my friend/acquaintance/some random woman named Val is looking for a husband and asked me to share her post about it with an interesting and trusted person in my network. Please read it and keep sharing it so Val can 1. get married and 2. get off my nuts about getting married. Thanks for helping out!
UPDATE: Some of this is not translating so let me try to clarify further
There is no need to approach my ask through a perfectionistic lens: Of course it would be sick, ill and nasty if you could swiftly and immediately introduce me to my sweet prince, but far more realistically my wish and expectation is that you simply share this page with ONE interesting and trusted friend (not necessarily a man). Then perhaps that friend might share it with ONE interesting and trusted friend of theirs, and on and on and eventually we can arrive at some compatible matches. It’s like the chain letters of yore (remember those?) but without the crazy 90s colorful fonts and flashing webpages and caps in weird places. The ultimate point is to marry me off, but I’m guessing the way to get there is by bringing awareness of my single-against-my-will status to a broader audience and letting networks do their magic. Is this making more sense now? Let me know if still not.
Other clarifications
Yes I am very open to younger men and really enjoy their energy/positivity
When I say I want kids I mean having my own biological kids
Please only refer men you admire
Love is not blind. You can creep me on instagram if you feel that this is necessary
The talent search is global as I am location independent
Why is this so urgent?
I’m at once in a big rush and willing to wait as long as it takes for a real fit. I think the advice to women to just live their lives (queen!) and channel all their nurturing energy towards themselves (or their rescue animals, lord!) is how you say… dumb. I am decently functional in my independence and know how to nurture myself, my health and my hobbies but I also love having someone to come home to, have inside jokes with, create rituals with, fall asleep next to, play with, travel with etc. etc. etc. The idea that I would walk around pretending that I don’t want or need this or that my pet satisfies my very human needs, lest I appear desirous of something more than I currently have (OH NO!), is pure idiocy.
If there were someone out there that you could live a fantastic life with, wouldn’t you want to meet them and start that season of life as soon as possible instead of going to the store and buying another fig tree or dog toy so you can pretend you love being alone? Girl, please.
I could just sit back and wait for the “right person” (a false concept) to fall into my lap but at this rate I’ll be eligible for the vampiric council by the time that happens. I prefer a fortune favors the bold approach, hence this doc.