After decades of resisting, I finally ordered Fat Pants (don’t worry, I still don’t own any sweatpants). If you’re a woman you know all about Fat Pants; they’re the pants you wish you were wearing when you forcibly pour yourself into your regular jeans/pants during times of hormonal bloating and water retention, which happen more often than you think but also somehow sneaks up on you each time.
Are you calling me Fat?
The name Fat Pants isn’t mean to be disparaging—it’s meant to reflect the reality of the feeling; you feel FAT. It doesn’t mean you are fat (I mean you might be; I don’t know)—in fact barely anybody can tell you look any different. It’s the subtle cues that only you can feel—the tightness of your waistband, the heaviness of your tater-tots—that clue you in to the fact that it’s time to bring out the Fat Pants.
When does this happen? Usually and most obviously either during PMS or your period or both, and during this weird window around ovulation, but then also during (what I can only guess are) hormonal spike or dip times that seem to occur at random just to keep you on your woman life toes. The point is Fat Times and Fat Pants are real and necessary and if you value your own comfort and positive mental state you must be loving toward yourself, realistic and pants-prepared.
Why Fat Pants Now?
I hadn’t ever ordered fat pants until last week because I guess all these years I preferred to fight it and make myself miserable. I was inspired to change my ways by my (also recent) purchase of Fat Bras(™) to accommodate the same condition (temporary bloating and water retention caused by the indignities of being a woman). Fat Bras were so awesome (one is a full size bigger and can only be worn during fat o’clock and the others I just adjust the straps on as my tots require)nthat I knew it was time for Fat Pants. One note on my special bra that is legit too big to be worn when my cup is not runnething over: Fat Time is a generally a miserable experience, so when you can have something nice and a bit special that you can wear only during that time, it eases the misery and infuses some fun/novelty.
Top 3 Arguments for Fat Pants
1. It’s 1,000x more comfortable than suffering through your regular pants in Fat Time
2. You move more confidently when your clothes fit, even it it means they are a little bigger.
3. Nobody else knows or cares that you are a little bloated so prioritize your own joy
How to select your Fat Pants
The whole world is technically your Fat Pants oyster, but as a fan of capsule dressing and having a million (3) pairs of the same exact thing, I recommend just getting your regular pants (black jeans in my case) in one size larger. My Fat Pants are still in the mail (merci ice storm) so I haven’t had the chance to take them for a spin, but I’m sure it will be a stylish and liberating time. Rest assured you will have the full report.
Why did it take so long to embrace the Fat Pants?
Great question. This is so overplayed but it’s true: Weightlifting took the focus away from exercise as a way to be as physically small as possible and gave me new comfort with my body being bigger if the reward is better body composition, more power and greater visual balance. Lifting has been about increasing strength, supporting old sports injuries, buying some longevity tokens, reveling in the gym community (can not convey how thrilled we all were to be back yesterday after days of ice-related closures) and balancing my proportions as a byproduct (my ass has always had its own zip code but now I have shoulders too). So these days, instead of being frustrated by temporary bloat and weight gain and trying to squeeze all the sausage into a too-small pants casing, I’m more generous with myself and recognize that the realities of my biology necessitate two sets/sizes of certain items. It’s a lot better to calmly embrace a state I can’t change than to irrationally rail against it to no effect besides my own frustration.
A point of clarification
Fat Pants and I’ve Given Up On Myself Pants are not the same thing. Fat Pants aren’t sweatpants or elastic waist pants—they’re just pants like (or exactly the same as) the ones you regularly wear but one size up so they fit during Fat Time.
Fat Pants temperature reading
Were you already familiar with the Fat Pants lifestyle? Do you have any Fat Pants of your own? How many pairs? Anything we need to know to get the most out of the Fat Pants experience? Are you offended by the term Fat Pants? These questions and more are what the comments are for.
UPDATE
The Fat Pants Have Arrived!
Serendipitously they were delivered the day I wrote this, and they really do feel so much better in the waist and the woman bloating area. I will say, I wish the legs did not also get a little roomier but this is a small price to pay and I can just pretend I am dipping a toe into wide leg jeans like the young and/or tall people (I am not; they make me look 4’3”). The real market opportunity is Fat Pants that are just one size bigger from the waist through the hip while the legs stay the same. Abercrombie are you listening?? New viral Fat Pants fit? I’ll take a royalty.
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